Learning how to relate to and parent your “big kids” is hard. My son is 18, technically an adult, but still living at home while finishing school. He’s even entertaining the idea of moving out with friends. While he’s grown in many ways, he still has a lot to learn—and he truly does still need our support, at least until he finishes school and can support himself.
Most weekends, he’s out with friends, and if we’re lucky, he’ll bring them over to hang out at our house. But as his friend group expands, those moments happen less and less.
He and I butt heads sometimes, usually because I tend to micromanage him. I still have expectations—like him being home for dinner or watching a movie with us in the evening—but he’s moved on. Not in the sense that he’s left us, but he’s building his own life, forming his own friend group, and shifting away from the family unit.
And while I know this is normal, I miss him. I miss hanging out with my firstborn—the one who made me a mom.
This long weekend was particularly tough. I found myself struggling with how little time he spent with us, and my husband gently asked me if I needed to manage my expectations. As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. My son is counting on us to always be here for him, and we will be. But I need to adjust how I show up for him now.
A friend of mine is experiencing something similar. She has one son and is navigating the growing pains of him having a girlfriend and everything that comes along with it.
We’re both feeling a bit lost with our boys, like we’re being replaced. But in reality, we’re not. No one can replace a mama. Our role is just shifting. My therapist gave me advice I’ve been trying to embrace: I’m no longer responsible for “managing” my son. My job now is to be an advisor, a consultant.
And let me tell you, that pivot is challenging. So how do we do it? How do we step back without stepping away? How do we offer guidance without alienating our kids?
In my research—much of which I’m still working on applying—I came across some helpful tips from the Conscious Parenting Revolution:
- Find ways to spend quality time together. Run errands, do chores together, grab dinner, or find something else you both enjoy.
- Don’t take it personally when they don’t want to spend time with you. Remember how it was when you were a teenager and compare it to how you relate to your parents now. You often came back to center, to home.
- Be judgment-free. If they think you’ll chastise them for their actions, they’ll be less likely to seek you out. Be mindful of your reactions. If you’re like me, you’ll need to watch your facial expressions. 🙂
- Respect boundaries. Give them their personal space. That said, it’s still critical to be the parent, particularly if they’re still living at home. Make yourself available without overstepping. I find myself feeling like I’m walking on eggshells at times, so it’s a tough balance.
- Reinforce your support. Remind them that you’re there for them and that you are a safe space.
I’m far from perfect at all of this, but I’m trying. One day, one moment, one breath at a time.
Parenting through this transition is messy, but it’s also a privilege. As much as I miss the days when he was my little boy, I’m honored to watch him grow into the man he’s becoming. And even as he pulls away, I know our bond will remain, evolving into something just as special as the seasons of his life, and mine, change.